Hamster Wheel Night Terror

By Kelly Grace Thomas

 

I’m in restless race

of unkeepable pace

of expectations and dedications.

A hamster wheel of wanting and waiting

the pressure of each metaphor

of each requirement of the day before

have kept this wheel spinning.

In my mind there are so many things I have to do.

The to-do list of dreams, dreams with slow follow through

Because each and every day I tell myself

You could have done more.

You could have been better.

 You could have done it quicker.

Exhaustion is at my heels,

on this boulevard of broken deal.s

My blistered feet scream in pain,

so tired of this unwinnable game

where I will never be good

for I am the only judge

who holds a grudge

against every aspect  of who I am.

Their soles are really, are ready, to give out but

I stop them,

shut up the complaining,

quiet their protest

Remind them how much they want this.

Eyes on the climb.

to be the best,

To finish first, to do it all.

I have exhausted myself into a puddle,

A pile, a collage of all the broken pieces of me.

I’m a fraction divided by accomplishment

A resume begging for a compliment

A mind and heart so over spent

Take away the expecatations and proclaimations

the over paid for education the pushy perfectionsist admiration

every hour of the day is scheduled with aspirations

the estimation of the conversation about my obligation

has left me emptier than before this dedication

without directions I have forgetten how to be

just plain and simple me

I have forgotten what it feels like to do something because I  want to

Not because it’s what I’m supposed to do.